A fawn-colored cotton tablecloth billows across the length of the dining table before finally landing gently on the wooden top. Placemats are laid on which knives and forks rest. Small sugar pumpkins nestle in groups at each end of the table’s spine. In the middle of the table sits a big roasted bird surrounded by smaller bowl full of steaming delights—fluffy mashed potatoes, tender green beans, and rich cranberry and orange sauce. Glasses are filled, candles are lit, and hands are held. Grace or words of gratitude are spoken, and a moment is taken to reflect on all we have to be grateful for now in this moment.
Some tables will be kitchen benches, others will be an old piece of wood balanced on two painters’ trestles, or an outdoor picnic table surrounded by open grassy fields. And, around your table of choice will be a certain number of chairs, each graced with a bottom of someone you love. One chair however remains empty. As you give your thanks, your prayers, or gratitude your heart is struck with the absence of your beloved, the one person who is not sitting at your table this year. The empty chair is the sacred seat.
As holiday season approaches across the globe, regardless of the particular tradition you follow, a table is likely central to your celebration. The table no matter what shape or size or material it is made from acts like an altar around which we connect. We gather, at times like Thanksgiving (in North America), or Christmas, or Chanukah, with those we love and who are important in our lives. Food, family, and friends are essential to making those holidays meaningful. Sitting down and taking our time to share food is key to every one of the holidays mentioned. However, more important than the table setting or food that is served are the loved ones you gather around you to celebrate.
When we gather together at important times it is very often a stark reminder just who in our lives is absent. The absence of loved ones could be caused by a variety of reasons but likely one of these three: death, estrangement, or distance. None of those reasons are easy to navigate. As human beings we have an innate need to connect and when the people we love are missing it is natural to feel grief. If death or estrangement is the reason for your loved one not being present then the grief may be particularly profound for you and the others you share the occasion with, especially if this is the first year your person is not with you physically. If you are missing those you love due to geographical distance grief will still be experienced. Although we may not name our feeling as such it is grief.
Gently acknowledge your person and how their absence creates a missing piece to the heart’s complex puzzle. We can be both present to the celebration at hand and missing someone at the same time. If we are able to symbolize our grief, our missing, our longing through a physical act then we ground our feelings outside ourselves. We literally externalize our grief and thus it is able to be acknowledged and held by the group present. When one person acknowledges their feelings about their loved ones who are not present then we give permission for everyone else to also become aware of their absent loved ones.
One way to externalize our grief and our absent person is by consciously creating an empty place at the dining table. Lay down the placemat, set the cutlery, place a drinking glass to the right-hand side of the setting. If your tradition is to write place names, then add one to the table for them. We are so used to having and thus seeing just the right number of seats for the guest ratio having an empty seat can feel odd at first. But the unusualness of this empty, sacred seat will prompt discussion amongst the group and in doing so we can begin to normalize our hearts longings.
For some people there will be no table, no cloth, and no turkey. Not everyone is blessed with accommodation or food to eat. This is another reason to be grateful for what we have and who is with us in the present moment. If at some point in your life you have had less than you have now, then you know first-hand that life ebbs and flows like the ocean and there have been times when you may not have been able to celebrate in the way you do now. If you have always had abundance, and everyone you love is present at your table then you are truly blessed.
Conversely, you may be the person who is away from home this holiday season. You may be the absent person at someone else’s table this year. If this is so, then acknowledge your grief at not being physically present with the group of people you love. Holidays are often emotionally charged times when we are faced with our togetherness or separateness. Both can be equally difficult to navigate.
If you are missing an absent person set an extra place at your table or counter for all those you love who are not with you today. A scared seat can be set anywhere, at any time, for anyone who is not present. Remember those who are not with you by sharing stories about them. Give your family and guests the gift of acknowledging those they love during whichever of the holiday’s you celebrate by setting an extra place at your holiday table.